What about Me?

Posted on 27th March 2012 in Day to Day Life, Randomness
Number of View :12

Apparently my biological clock is ticking like mad, because I seem to always be having dreams of little girls and getting misty eyed at the sight of people who are pregnant or with small children.  However this biological urge comes with a friend, the desire to find someone male to be close to and since that seems to currently be an impossible long shot I have to wonder is there something wrong with me that makes me unappealing to the male population? Of my last 3 relationships, 1 man spent the entire relationship involved with his Ex, 1 man sought to control me with passive aggressive behavior should I show an nonindependent thought that did not agree with his and 1 man spent our short relationship lying to me because he wasn’t willing to face the consequences of choices in his own life. Now I know I’m not a perfect person, I have my character flaws, I’m bossy, I’m messy, I get side tracked easily and I hate to clean for example, but beyond that I have a constant question of “Why aren’t I good enough or special enough to find someone who wants to share my life”, “Am I only worthy of people who hurt me?”.  Deep down I know the answer to those questions but right now with the desire to start a family or even just have someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with I can’t stop them from playing thru my head on repeat.

Self doubt isn’t anything new for me, I’ve had my moments of very incredibly mild depression but I can’t seem to shake these thoughts. Granted the guy who told me “I’m sure you’re very sweet but you’re just not pretty enough to date” hasn’t helped.  It’s to the point that I’m wondering if maybe counselling wouldn’t be a good idea just so that I can get my head on straight since my normal methods of making the self doubt go away don’t seem to be working, only making it worse, and some family members seem intent on making me doubt that I even have a shadow.

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Sometimes I think life is trying to be Funny…

Posted on 8th February 2012 in Day to Day Life, Randomness
Number of View :15

Sometimes I seriously think life has a sense of Humor. Valentine’s day has been the bane of my existence since grade school…I want to say somewhere around the 3rd grade. Basically since the point when it was no longer mandatory to give Valentines to the entire class. Jr. High and High School weren’t much better. Now days Valentine’s Day is a card from my Mom or Grandma or both and a stuffed toy for my sister or my dog. And now I have to attempt to get into classes for next term at 7am on the day I hate…Life sometimes I think you’re trying to be funny

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The more time passes, the less things change

Posted on 19th November 2011 in Day to Day Life, Randomness
Number of View :14

Over the last 12 months a lot of things have changed and yet a lot of things have remained the same. Last year I left my Boyfriend of two years and relocated from Reno, Nevada to Eugene, Oregon, my hometown. I left my position at the Grand Sierra Resort and Casino as a Guest Services Supervisor (Ticketing and Room Reservations) to take a position as a Front Office Supervisor (Front Desk basically) at the Eugene Hilton and Conference Center because at the time it seemed like it would put me in a better position for training and future advancement. Within a month of moving home I was involved with my best friend who I’d know since Middle School and soon after had agreed to marry him.

From that point things in my life moved towards the interesting. Within weeks of agreeing to marry my best friend he had to surrender himself to Clark County on felony charges that he plead down to a sentence of 6 month in the Clark County Jail. During those 6 months I tried not to second guess myself or the relationship and I tried not to let the stress of his family get to me. But seeing as how I started having stress related blood pressure issues I wasn’t able to. I spent the 6 months he was in jail trying to figure out if I could see the relationship working and ultimately it didn’t. His being in jail ended up being only one of the issues, I apparently have issues with forgiveness of lies be they to my face or by omission.

Through all of it I figured at least work was ok, that even though they had yet to follow through on the promise of training and hadn’t yet it was just because there was issues with the Front Office Manager needing training. Now however I have to wonder if there was every any plan to follow through on the promise of training. A month ago I was Demoted from Front Office Supervisor to PBX Operator. The reason for the demotion differs depending on which member of management I’m having a meeting with. The Front Office Manager said it was for budget reasons, the hotel was only budgeted for 2 full time supervisors and we had 3 so it was a seniority decision and I was the newest Supervisor Hire. A week later the Hotel Manager pulled me into his office to ask me how I was dealing and have a chat about my lack of a perky personality, a week later he pulled me into his office again to give me a written action plan (course of training / improvement in order to keep ones job) stating that I’d been demoted because it was felt that my personality depressed employees and guests. Which was a shock to me since in the 11 months I’d worked here no one had ever said a word to me or shown me the horrible comment cards from guests that I was told I’d received over that 11 month time period. So now the position that I had hopped would allow for training and advancement has offered little but disappointment both with the company I work for and the lack of professionalism in it’s management. (And I now get to try to find a new job where I don’t have to worry that I’ll be fired with no warning for not smiling at some point during an given year period).

Relationship wise I’m starting to think my sister might have been right when she jokingly called me a Nun years ago. The most contact I have with anyone at this point is my Pomeranian Leo and my sister’s cat Spencer. I tried the whole online dating thing but the free sites equal creepy messages and the pay sites are way to expensive anymore. If you ask my family I’m looking for the wrong type of guy because apparently finding someone who can stand up to me personality wise (not let me walk all over them like they’re made of cardboard) and who is willing to work for a living isn’t possible. Who knows maybe they’re right, maybe I’ll end up a crazy old eccentric dog lady.

And emotionally over the last year I have to say I’ve seen a lot more downward dips that I’m used to. I guess now that I’m home I’m just scared of not being enough for my family. I want to be a good person who doesn’t bring drama, I want to be someone people want to be around and anymore I don’t know that I am. I started college classes again and there is an overall lack of faith that I’ll finish. I know why it’s there I just wish that people would lie and tell me they think i can do it instead of telling me I’m going to fail. I hate failing, more than likely why getting demoted pissed me off so much…

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Pope in Africa condemns graft, labels AIDS an ethical issue – Yahoo! News

Posted on 19th November 2011 in Day to Day Life, Randomness
Number of View :18

Pope in Africa condemns graft, labels AIDS an ethical issue – Yahoo! News.

 

This frightens me as much as it angers me. Granted I’m not a catholic at all at this point but seriously an ethical issue? How did the child who is born with AIDS make an unethical choice to infect themselves? And on what level does the Catholic Church think that as the scandals involving priests grow daily that they have any right to speak on ethical matters?

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Tonight’s Celtic Cross Results

Posted on 24th April 2011 in Day to Day Life, Randomness, Tarot
Number of View :32

I’ve decided that I need to share my Celtic Cross results, just because I think I’m too close to see what it’s trying to tell me most days. Getting the Death Card in the Future Slot 2 days in a row with 2 different decks makes one stop and think. Everything in parenthesis is my interpretation of the cards meaning.

1) Significator – Temperance (Balance, Tolerance, Moderation)

2) You – Knight of Wands (No Fear, Ready for an adventure, bravery, excitement about the future)

3) Crossing – The Emperor (Healthy stability, Create an Environment that allows you to function best)

4) Foundation – Ace of Swords (Intellect, Rational. Intellect shows the truth but the mind does not always see or understand it)

5) Past – The Chariot (Opposing Ideas, Victory, Will Power and Control, Order in the midst of Chaos)

6) Present – Two of Cups (Opportunity for a partner, potential for something special, realize possible potential fully)

7) Future – Five of Wands – Competition, Conflict, “Do Your Best”

8) Yourself – Wheel of Fortune (Ups and Downs are part of life, context means everything)

9) Environment – Knight of Pentacles (Tension, Between Battles, Need for time to rest, a need to regain security)

10) Hopes and Fears – The Empress (The Possibilities of Life, Surrounded with feeling, Maternal, Creation and Passion)

11) Outcome – King of Cups (Missing something, Accomplished much, Satisfaction but a heart longing)

 

Previous Spreads (newer first)

Done with the Tarot of Dreams

1) Significator – Ten of Wands (OVerwhelming burden, responsibility, over extended / over worked, one step at a time)

2) You – The Chariot (Will Power, Ambition and Drive, Progress, Need to understand conflict)

3) Crossing – Seven of Cups (Opportunities, Someone may be withholding information, choices)

4) Foundation – Seen of Swords (Betrayal, Cannot be taken at face value, hidden motives)

5) Past – Knight of Coins (Responsible, Helpful, Patient, Protective)

6) Present – Justice (Fairness and equality, pro vs con, impartial)

7) Future – Death (“to make way for the new”, rebirth, change)

8) Yourself – Ten of Swords (Fears realized, the only way left is up, failure)

9) Environment – Five of Swords (Defeat, Loss, Discord, Picking up the pieces)

10) Hopes and Fears – Four of Wands (a perfect dream, peace, happiness, utopia, sanctuary)

11) Outcome – King of Swords (Law and Order, others before self, educated, intelligent)

 

Done with the Gilded Tarot

1) Significator – Temperance (Balane, interal beliefs in harmony, moderation)

2) You – Knight of Wands (Passion, excitement about what’s to come, beware recklessness)

3) Crossing – The Emperor (Driven by love and desire for what is best, seeking to create stability, well functioning order)

4) Foundation – Ace of Swords (Gift of Thought, the ability to see the world clearly)

5) Past – Nine of Wands (Experience did not reflect expectations, retreat and regroup. Caught by failure unaware)

6) Present – Page of Cups (emotional situation beyond your depth of experience, don’t ignore advice)

7) Future – Death (spiritual growth bring pain, ego death, beware the fear of change)

8) Yourself – Five of Wands (conflict, competition, chance to help others grow)

9) Environment – King of Swords (Intelligence is at the core of your person, comfortable sharing ideas and opinions. Don’t let intelligence be the only thing to define you.

10) Hopes and Fears – Ace of Cups (idealism, purity of emotion, drawn along by feeling, do not fear or avoid feeling)

11) Outcome – King of Wands (Strong willed, focused, determined and driven. Beware believing your way is the only way and becoming bossy)

 

 

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Being an Adult

Posted on 15th April 2011 in Day to Day Life
Number of View :33

I was listening to the radio today in the car and a song came on that struck a cord with me, it’s called “Bleed Red” by Ronnie Dunn (formally of Brooks and Dunn). I’m not sure if it was the words or the melody but I can’t get the song out of my head it’s bouncing around with a Song by Sara Evans called “A Little Bit Stronger”.  Growing up I always wanted to be older thinking that older would mean happier. With some people I think that’s true but with me it seems like the older I get the more the world gets to me and makes me hurt.

I’m engaged to my best friend but I’m not sure yet if that means I’m going to be happy. It doesn’t help that he’s currently in jail for inappropriate contact with a child when he was barely of legal age. Not that age would ever excuse that type of action.  When I asked him about it he said that nothing happened that if something had happened it had happened while he was sleeping yet I spoke to the court psychiatrist the other day and the words used were “one time incident”, “no pattern of behavior”, “isolated occurrence” and now I’m not sure what to think. When he signed a plea agreement back in December I thought it was because he’d been lead to believe that there was no other option that wouldn’t result in hard jail time, but now I have to wonder if it’s because he was afraid of what would come out at trial. I hate that I’m doubting him but it’s hard to do little else since when I ask what happened 6yrs ago I get evasions or half truths. I don’t think I’ve been told the full truth yet and I don’t know how much longer I can handle that.

I love him, but I’m not sure I can give up everything I’d have to give up to build a life with him. As part of his plea he is a registered sex offender for the next 15 years. Which means very little privacy since any place we lived would be subject to search at any time by law enforcement personal. As well as the fact that he is a registered sex offender released to everyone within any neighborhood we might be living in.

Then there is the thought of children. I want them. I want them badly, so badly that I dream of holding a dark haired dark eyed child in my arms only to wake and find that it’s just a pillow. Granted marrying him wouldn’t mean I couldn’t have children but it would mean I have to wait since he is forbidden to have any contact with minors for 5 years. It also means that if I can’t have children which is something I wonder about since I don’t think my hormone levels are quite normal, that I would never be able to adopt. Sex offenders are banned for life from adoption. I just don’t know if I can give up that dream. I’ve thought about it, because I would truly like to be happy with him, but every time I start thinking about it, it feels like someone is tearing my heart out of my chest and I am so tired of breaking down.

I don’t like doubts, I don’t like doubting my judgement and I don’t like doubting the integrity of others. But I can’t stop, I can’t stop asking “what if I don’t know him as well as I think I do”, “what if something really did happen, could I live with myself if it happened again?”. I don’t have any answers and it scares me.

People always tell me (at least at work) that I seem so calm in the face of a “storm” that they don’t think anything could rattle me. But with this I just don’t know. On the one hand I love him and I want to marry him and build a life with him. On the other hand I’m doubting my judgement of his character and wondering if he’s lying to me. I just don’t have an answer for myself and I don’t know if I ever will or if I will forever be stuck on this teeter totter of uncertain emotions.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what way I look someone gets hurt or hurts me over my choices. Why is it so hard to have a tiny bit of happiness? Did I seriously screw up my karma that badly and not know it? Did I piss off some higher being and now it’s decided to mess with my life?

 

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Life

Posted on 9th January 2011 in Day to Day Life, Everything Else
Number of View :22

So my mom’s status on Facebook was “God is Great, Beer is Good and People are Crazy” and oddly I think it fits right now. I’m shoulder deep in personal stuff that I’d rather run from than deal with 90% of the time. My belief in the core foundations of things that make this country great are shaken. We always look at the justice system in the United States as this great shining example of how due process should work, how people can be seen as innocent unless their guilt can be proven and yet it seems like 50% of the time or more the system is as corrupt as any thing you’d hear the nightly newscasters rallying against. But it doesn’t to seem to bother people how many innocent people are backed into corners till they’re willing to say they’re guilty in hopes of escaping the pressure being placed upon them. Or how little regard we as the public have for those who are deemed guilty in the eyes of the law, it’s like once someone says they’re guilty they must be so because a judge is infallible.

Obviously a sore subject that hits close to home. Some one I care about was accused of a crime that I don’t think he could have possibly commited but because he didn’t have the money to afford an attorney the Prosecuter as well as his court appointed defense attorney backed him into a corner until he agreed to a deal that will mark him for the rest of his life. He received little to no defense from his court appointed attorney and even though I wasn’t there for the meetings if feels like his attorney decided from the start that he was guilty and that he didn’t have to defend him because he wasn’t a paying client. Oddly enough though even though it’s in your Miranda Rights that “If you cannot afford the cost of an attorney one will be provided for you”, that is both true and untrue. If you cannot afford to hire an attorney of your choosing the court will appoint one to your case who won’t give a a damn if you’re getting the defense your case merits or not and then if you’re found guilty you’ll get to pay them for their services.  Although the question may then be “what services?”

At one time I wanted to go to law school. I loved the idea of Law, the rules that it represented, but as I’ve gotten older I keep seeing instances where the Law and Lawyers are only there for those with money to afford them. If you’re poor or middle class and can’t afford to spend hundreds of thousands on attorney fees God help you if you’re ever accused of a crime. And the more I see of this case the more I debate going to Law School even knowing that being a lawyer could emotionally kill me.  Just looking  at the news anymore is enough to hit below the emotional belt. There are so many stories out there that need to be told, yet no one wants to listen instead they’re rather hear about Paris Hilton’s latest arrest or Lindsay Lohen getting out of Rehab than deal with the fact that there are people out there that need help because our system is not as perfect as we wish to beleive

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Moving

Posted on 5th November 2010 in Day to Day Life
Number of View :21

So if anyone is actually checking this page for new posts there will be some because I’ve been working on some stuff, however I’m in the process of moving and starting a new job so sadly the wait must continue.

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To Find a Home

Posted on 30th July 2010 in Writing
Number of View :53

The hopeful run to the gates of their kennel runs to greet each person to walk by, they clamor, frantic barking ringing off the concrete walls as they scream “pick me, pick me”. Some get lucky and their frantic barking and excited jumping catch the attention of someone walking through, others spent their time sitting quietly hoping to be noticed.

At one time I might have joined in the frantic activity, but as time has gone on I’ve lost hope of finding a home outside my concrete kennel. I haven’t always lived here but memories of home grown fainter as time goes on.

My first memories, after being separated from my mother, are of chaos and noise, too many people and too many overwhelming scents. And then just when I thought I’d be overwhelmed completely there came a voice that soothed my mind, I wanted to run up and claim the soothing presence as my own but my litter mates had similar thoughts. Looking up I found my companions in madness pressed up against the front of our enclosure vying for the attention of the soothing one. Thinking it hopeless I remained where I was, my head on my paws, my eye unconsciously begging for attention.

Something about me must have caught the soothing one’s  notice for I was soon picked up and cuddled close. Licking everything in reach in appreciation I took pride in being held and let my tail wag to show it. The soothing one continued to carry me and soon I had a stiff feeling band fastened around my neck with a soft metal jingle.

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Untitled #3

Posted on 24th July 2010 in Writing
Number of View :34

(I’m not sure if I even like this as it was an assignment for a writing class but we’ll see)

Mist blanketed the snow dusted landscape while the full moon played peekaboo with the heavy clouds above. Marring the white perfection of the snow a single set of foot prints leads away from a castle and towards a dark forest. The foot prints are tiny as is the figure that made them, a girl of about six. She is alone as she has always been. Her family sits in their castle enjoying all that money can buy, yet she is not welcome because she is different, something they fear. Her eyes set her apart from her family and show the world of her preordained destiny, she is never to be trusted for they show her to be one of the maidens. The maidens, feared because of their eyes which showed them as such and for their incredible magical abilities. To someone so young that legacy is just a story ,not the reason her parents and siblings would have nothing to do with her, to the extent of leaving the room should she enter it while they were present.

The girl, Aura, was on a self motivated adventure. She had been cooped up in the castle for days on end, her parents were entertaining guests. Not used to inactivity or being cooped up for so long she had chafed and rebelled against her parents orders, sneaking out into the night. No one had ever noticed what she did before she did not believe that they would start now. Her Mother and Father had abandoned her to the care of nursed and nannies the moment she opened her eyes, giving them a glimpse of what her future would hold, and her siblings had never taken notice of her except to torment her. Once she had reached the age of four they had mainly abandoned her to her own devices.

Reaching the edge of the forest Aura stopped and glanced back towards her family’s home, a look of longing spreading over her face. She longed to be excepted and made welcome, but even at her young age she knew that acceptance was not something that would ever come easily to her. Looking at the forest Aura felt a small thrill of excitement run through her, last night she had met the most wonderful beings and tonight she hoped to find them again. Without another backward glance she bolted into the forest, to find those who said they would be her friends.

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